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Big Changes at West

A few short weeks ago, students were participating in outdoor activities and caroling songs of summer cheer. But as the season began to turn its back on them, Maine West opened its doors to lost and distressed students as they embarked on a journey to reclaim their literacy.

In a way, our school is also learning how to read again through the implementation of ideas that might as well have been voted on through an anonymous Twitter poll. As the year progresses, school leaders hope to enact these changes and at least a dozen more so that it can compete for the title of most progressive school and secure a feature in Upfront magazine.

Students will find that most of these changes are really quite refreshing and will instill a new sense of excitement and fervor of learning among the wretched. Starting next week, the bell will be replaced by a staff-wielding man donning a cloak, who will personally announce the start, half, and end of each period.

Furthermore, following student claims of educational abuse, teachers will be required to wear body cameras so that a proper investigation can be conducted. This idea was proposed online by “eric_football_22,” an outright and courageous young man calling for teacher accountability after earning a C on last week’s geography quiz.

This year, the cafeteria staff wishes to enrich students’ cultural appreciation through dishes of diverse and elegant regions including Canada and Louisiana. They are especially thrilled to introduce French cuisine into the student body’s diet with their new value meal, the “Uno, Dos, Tres.” The three course delight will be lowered to $7 and consist of a bowl of macaroni, half a cup of black coffee, and the salad dressing of one’s choice. For an additional charge, students can also obtain a fork or spoon, depending on the phase of the moon that evening.

Another school year arrived, and with it, a new set of rules and policies to punish students accordingly. This semester, the building just happens to be understaffed, so any students who acquires a tardy will be rehabilitated through hard labor. Some will spend time preparing sandwiches and Cheetos for Tuesday’s lunch, while others will mow the lawn and lock bathroom doors immediately after the final bell rings.

Some rules, however, have not changed and will be enforced just like previous years. For example, students who don’t wear their shoes indoors will receive a call home after the first violation. After the second, they will receive two calls home, and after the third they will have to visit an outside facility that can hopefully repair them.

Those who fail to comply with these changes will be admitted into a brand new program called “detention.” In it, students get a head start on the day’s assignments, as well as some much needed Netflix time. Staff take the time out of their day to supervise the weary and hard-working scholars for two hours, guarding them from the outside world and its inhabitants who might interfere with their diligent achievers. How thoughtful!

Everyone here at Maine West is looking forward to an exciting year filled with adventure and knowledge, and no counterproductivity. Remember to have fun and learn as you meet new people and experience new things. Above everything else, remember to stay in line and follow the rules, or else we’re going to have problems, and if that occurs, it looks like the kitchen will be getting another little helper.

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